Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s and Don’ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.

  • DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
  • DO NOT actually attempt this.
  • DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
  • DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
  • DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)
  • DO listen to all her problems with men:
        No matter how many times you have heard her make these same mistakes (with other men),

    DO NOT

      get so entranced by her soft, full lips that you lean forward and kiss her. (Fantasize about it instead.)

    • DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
    • DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
  • DO commiserate with your close guy friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about “The Treatment.” Shudder in unison.
  • DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because:
    1. They won’t understand.
    2. They’ve done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
    3. They’ll think you are talking about them.
    4. They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men.
  • DO get drunk and maudlin about her
  • DO NOT get drunk and confront her
  • If you do reveal your true feelings to her while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
  • DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get together with her.
  • DO joke about it afterwards.
  • DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for her for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
  • DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid her unconsciously).
  • DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
  • DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
  • DO NOT actually change.
  • DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her “love” or “your friend”
  • DO NOT pretend you are kissing her when you lick the envelope.
  • DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she does.
  • DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
  • DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)
  • DO become trapped in a shallow, meaningless, lifeless relationship.
  • DO NOT actually seek out a secure, quality, lasting relationship, as this would interfere with your fantasizing about her
  • DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to all your friends and to her.
  • DO create a web page that is vague enough to be relevant to the masses, yet specific enough so that the one, special platonic friend you’ve been carrying a torch for reads it, comes to her senses, and fulfills Fantasy #4